Friday, March 31, 2006

Friday Fun

Hi all!

Its friday again and friday means fun! So to celebrate I have found some goodies for you all.

First off is the online census report which google has published on the net. Here you can find out who your neighbourd actually are. So far this report only search placec in the US, but I made a quick search on my little sisters neighbourhood in South Dakota and this is the result:





 Variable1 Miles3 Miles5 Miles
 Total Population1,0093,3804,397
 Total Households3721,2601,618
 Median Income$46,756$44,130$44,687
 Average Income$49,102$47,168$47,933
 Median Age37.0036.2035.70
 Male Population4791,6322,149
 Female Population5301,7482,248
 White Population9943,3304,333
 Black Population245
 Am. Indian Population51721
 Pac. Islander Population000
 Asian Population2810
 Other Population156
 2+ Race Population51522
 Hispanic Population72224

My sister is clearly living in an all-white community. If she has met 1 black guy living within one mile of her house, she have actually met half of the whole black population in her area. The average income is not the worst. At least they gain more than I do, and they have even let some of the native population live in their area. How kind!

Anyway as we see my sister is surronded by white 37 year old females with a reasonable income (at least if they are students). I'm a bit dissapointed they haven't listed how many who have taken abortion though. And as true americans they should also have listed suspected terrorists and number of pedophilians in her neighbourhood.

If you have nothing to do this weekend I will recomend you to watch a Russian TV show. They are clearly quite entertaining:



If you have absolutely nothing to do at all you should maybe consider to get a life, but while thinking about this you might like to play through History of Games.

It will soon be easter and this is a time to enjoy with ones family and friends. And what is better than to give a unique present to the ones you love the most? The maybe you should buy someone a Turn Your Head Vase, a vase which resemble the exact profile of someones face. Just send your photo in and get a vase back (if you think its ugly you got a problem).

turnhead

Personally I would rather enjoy a iGoatse skin for my Ipod, with this I believe I would be the main center of attention amongst all my friends!

igoatse

You didn't get this one? Well if you don't know what a "goatse" is, there is no need for you to know, believe me. Well don't blame me Mr. Ø, I told you not to find out! Enough of this!

This hamster has to much energy, at least until he gets tired:



I have always said that workout is dangerous stuff and this is the solid proof. Actually, if you are in the mood of some workout I will rather recomend you to sit back and study these nice postcards of Super Heroes on the Toilet.

superman

Well I hope you people will enjoy your weekend, and remember that its 1st of April tomorrow so be sure to fool your friends before they fool you. And please be as mean as these guys who makes their friend believe he won the lottery by giving him a fake cupon and a video with last weeks numbers:



Enjoy your weekend everyone, and do go out and get some dancing going. That is not qualified as workout and therefoby absolutely legal, but maybe not if you dance like this guy. I guess his wife really enjoyed that move he pulls of:



Happy weekend everyone!


Last funny friday


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Why do they even bother?

I have just gone up to the faculty of social science to have lunch with my big brother (I hope he will pay for it). Up here it's a lot of people running around trying to get people to vote for their party in the student prlament vote.

If you ask me the whole studentparlament are a bunch of chitchaters. They have done nothing for the last couple of years and the students social benefits have decreased and all they have done has been to talk about their nice hotel stay at the last student parlament summit.

The most intersting thing is their ability not to spot who might vote for their party. I come up here, dressed in classic faculty of humanity outfit. That would be a military jacket and a palestinian scarf. But nontheless people come up to me and says "Vote for us!" then they hand me a leaflet which claims I should vote for the only non-socialist fraction who wants a huger incorporation of capitalist companies into the studies. In other words they would like to see masterthesis done on behalf of and paid by these companies. How nice to do a research on mobile media paid by a cellular service company. That would propably be a huge benefit for the academical world!


moderat

By my aperance one should think that they would know better, but still they do the effort to bother me. Give these people a life!

If I will vote? Probably blank until the day I become dictator!


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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Random music shuffle

Another blogger, engletøv, said it was a good idea to put your music list of mp3s on random and then write down the 20 first songs which comes up. I don't know about that, but anyhow here is my list:

Igualita Que Tu - Monte Adentro

You are my kind ft Seal - Santana

Perdidos en la noche - Diego Torres

Monosapiens - Dum Dum Boys

LNXT - Elvis Presley

Enter Sandman - Metallica

Blood on the Risers - USMA Glee Club & Band

Not A Second Time - The Beatles

Kelner! - Odd Børretzen

Bruces' Philosophers Song - Monty Python

Escape - Metallica

Bin Ladin Bomb Song - KOMP Rock And Roll Morning Show

Se Solens Skjønne Lyse Prakt - Hungnes/Venaas

Un Poco De Amor - Shakira

O Tannenbaum - Heintje

Memorias Perdías - Ojos De Brujo

21h40 - 340ml

Soy Callejero - Los Mocosos

The Communist Internationale - Russian Red Army Choir

Adelaide - Thomas Dybdahl


Now I would like to know: How crazy does this make me? Can some of you music people out there analyze this list and recomend my medication please? I mean that a mix of Heintje, Red Army Choir, American military, Elvis, Los Mocosos and the gayguy Dybdahl must at least put me up for a good dosis of valium. It makes me scared.

If I actually listen to all of this or just have it stored on my computer? I never collect anything "just for fun".


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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Health benefits on smoking

Hi all!

For a while now I have tried to do my best to serve you some public service on a real serious subject. Now a days there is a lot of propaganda going down on the health problems conserning smoking. It's highly popular to proclaim out loud that smoking is dangerous. They have even managed to make it illegal to smoke inside pubs. I call this a totalitarian law. How can one expect someone to enjoy a glass of good alcohol without a cigarette in ones hand.


171-200x200

This law is of course to prevent people from putting seriously harmful things into ones body, but I believe that automobiles, fast food, light food and smokings (the thing one puts on when one wants to look like a dick) is much more harmful. But the thing is that dangerous things like these and others are much harder to propagandize against than cigarettes. For example is it much easier for WHO to focus on cigarettes and tobacco than on AIDS. AIDS would be a worthy thing to fight against, but of course if one tells people to wear a condom when enjoying themselves the medical companies would loose money, and that is not the interest of WHO.

In the world today they want to make "the perfect society" where everyone looks healty and good. But imagine if this kind of thought goes on. Soon fat people are not allowed to walk around in public and kids are not allowed to climb in trees cause imagine how it would look if they break an arm! Clearly the propaganda against tobacco is just a beginning to reform the whole society into perfect machines where everybody obliges to the rules made by the few. They are even now talking about making fat people pay more for their health service.

makeba

In the good old days smoking was for the cultural elite. I want to get the society back to these good old days. To make this happen I need to make a pro-smoking propaganda campaign. But I need to know what is the healthy benefits of smoking. Because of this I sent a request to several companies and organisations. Amongst these where The Norwegian Cancer Organisation, The Norwegian Doctors Association, Friends of the Cigarette and Phillip Morris. The only one to reply was Phillip Morris.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Mr. Morris

A friend of mine and myselves wants to start a campaign in Norway to promote the benefits of smøking so we finally can open some exclusive smøkers clubs in this country. These clubs will of course only give admittance to smøkers with at least 4 years of higher education and will be named "The Smøking University".

We are both studiyng here in Norway and at first we though of giving up our studies and return to England, but now they are planning to get this so-called "Smøking Law" to the Great Island also (we call it "the good old Krauter-fashioned law"), so then we will rather stay here as the girls on the Island have a rather bad apperance. At least compared to the tallrised female vikings here in the North.

These "vicingas", as we like to call them, are pretty well trained in the bed and know how to enjoy an aftercopulation cigarette and thats a thing the lesser race on the Island have never learnt to understand. One may maybe say that on the land of hot beer the afterintimation sigarette actually is more satisfying than the actual fysical workout. But I'm sorry, now I am boring you with problems from my Vatherland and that is not the reason for why I am writing you.

Me and my friend are planning to start a smøkers revolution, in secret we call it "The fight for Lord Nicotine". We have allready started a secret society, I tell you this as I know you wont spread the word to the government here in Norway. In this society we read loudly from the "Book of praise" which Lord Nicotine gave us on a stormful evening filled with alcoholic consumption.

In this there is gathered all availiable tobacco brands which exist on the Norwegian market and their gehalt of nicotine and tar. Its throughly satisfying to read it, and if I where in Lord Nelsons land I would rather read that than get close to one of the girls over there, and of course enjoy a good sigarett afterwards.

Anyhow, me and my friend now want to spread the word to gather people in our "Smøkers University". To spread the word we are planning to use "Winnertip" machines and Rizla red to produce small pamphlets to spread the word (do you know if this will be possible?).

Anyway, we have an argument going on what to write on the paper. Actually we want to know which products in a sigarette which is most healthy. We have both tried to chew the filter and that was not nice. My friend claims that because tobacco is a plant it is close to fruit and therefore in itselves healthy. He wants our campaign to be called "5 a day". I presume he may be wrong. I actually believe it is the glue in the paper which may be the best for the body. And since this glue is made of horsebone I want our campaign to be called "A horse a day".

Now our question is if we are both wrong? What is the most healthy product in a good cigarette? We would appreciate your answer. Clearly the tobacco producers in Norway have been scared into hiding cause I can't find any contact details on them, so you are my only sollution! Your answer will be mostly apreciated!

Death to the cigarette-haters and god save Lord Nicotine!

Sincerly yours

Sir John Tender


Did Phillip Morris answer as I was hoping for? Not exactly:

pmi

Please contact Philip Morris International for information about products produced for sale outside the United States (including the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico) or about other non-US matters. If you have internet access, simply click on the PMI link http://www.philipmorrisinternational.com/
pmintl/pages/eng/utilities/contact_us.asp for further information.

Consumer Response Center
Philip Morris USA


Actually I did contact their International office also, but they wouldn't answer me, and since this was a general enquiery on tobacco I tried their office in the USofA once more:

Dear Phillip Morris

Thank you for your reply, but it was not exactly what I was hoping for. My question was not concerning European tobacco nor any other non-US tobacco. It was more like a question concerning tobacco universaly, even if we are talking about tobacco on the moon. (You who have been there, is it possible to grow tobacco on the moon?)

So let me refrase my question into a simple one:

What is the most physically healthy benefit from a cigarette?

This is important in our campaign to enlightend the world and make a stop to the allconsuming negative propaganda concerning tobacco which we see in the world nowadays. You have to understand that we are working as a team here and to make it possible for us to promote your product we need some information.

Thank you.

Hail to Lord Nocotine!

Love

John Tender


I actually got a bit frightened by their answer to this one:

pm_logo_white


Thank you for contacting Philip Morris USA.

We appreciate your interest in obtaining information from Philip Morris USA. While we regularly respond to inquiries relating to our policies and positions on a variety of issues, we are unable to accommodate your request for this type of information.Â

Again, thank you for your interest in Philip Morris USA.

Consumer Response Center

Philip Morris USA


lawer

From the weird symbols they had in their reply I believe they actually got angry, and since I know the Americans believe in a good traditional pre-emptive strike I think they where on the edge to sue my ass. Because of this I did not reply to this mail. I mean who knows what kind of policies they have on a variety of issues. To lock people up in their basement?

Well clearly Mr. Morries does not want to help me out on my mission. Probably they have been brainwashed, or maybe gained to much money and gone crazy. But the revolution will come, with or withouth help from multinational companies!

Hail Lord Nicotine!!!


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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Poor woman

Today I saw a horribly unlucky woman. It was nothing wrong with her and it didn't happen anything to her, but nature had been horribly cruel to her. My first thought when I saw her was "Isn't that?", but no it wasn't. This woman was just extreamly unlucky.

Now you are of course wondering "What was the matter with her? Had she two heads? Or maybe a giant bulfrog attatched to her arm? Maybe she was covered with extreamly much facial hair?" All this is wrong. Her misfortune was that she looked just Like Erna Solberg, the chief of the conservative party in Norway.


ernas

Imagine how horrible this must be! You could see that it was not exactly her, but this woman could have been her halftwin. Just think of the misfortune to walk around being confused with a politician who not only is a bit of a racist and hardcore capitalist who would like to put everything from school to hospitals out on the free market, but who also is very dangerous because she actually manage to convince people that she is correct in meaning such.

Now as I said this woman was not quite like her, but she can probably never go out on town, because after a few beers its not easy to say who is who between Erna and her lookalike.

ernas3

For once I would recomend plastic surgery. Paid by the state.


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Sunday, March 26, 2006

My history of weird work part 3

After a rush of people who have been waiting in great anxiety to hear more about my history of weird work, I thought it was on high time to tell you the rest of the story.

Last time I told you about how I was selling knittingwear and Norwegian craft made in China so I could get some money for christmas gifts for my family. It should be no surprise to anyone that this job did not last for long. After christmas was finished I actually never heard from this job again.

After going around broke and unemployed for a while I started to work part time as a informationmanager at a small organisastion which sends out Norwegian youths to live an work in camps for normally 3 weeks during summertime. I though this was a great idea since I'm studying media and communication and had been working voluntarily with exchangees for quite a long time. It was quite usual for me to have 2 Brazilians, one Korean and a couple of Nigerians living in my apartment. What could be better than finally getting paid for this job?


bild
Heal the world, make it a better place...

When I got the job I was told that it was my job to promote the organisation, make seminars on it and contact the press. As this was a pretty small organisation with a tiny budget there was of course not much money. I thought it then would be best to promote the organisation by putting up leaflets in the town and especially at the University. This was obviously wrong. I was supposed to be at the office they told me and recieve incoming calls. After this I stayed at the office and recieved 2 calls a day. One in the start and one in the end of the day.

These phonecalls uaually went like this: "Hi Ole this is Edna. I believe I forgot a cake recipe in the copying machine. Can you check if it is there?" Of course this question had some kind of a variation as the recipe had been forgotten in the fax machine, at the desk, in the toilet or in the fridge. I never found any recipe. And since not many people knew about the organisation there was not many other people calling.

Once in a while we recieved applications to go out with the organisation. I was told not to do anything with these as it was another person who was in charge of that. I could neither do anything with the webpage as the only one who had access to this was located in Rome. I did contact the press though, and I did arrange seminars, but since no one wanted to do the job to promote these with flyers, on stands or with other information and I was not allowed to do this in work hours, they where not highly successful. But the organisation did recieve more applications than normal.

Meanwhile I had this job I also had a project on a show. It was a great fireshow for a cirkus. Not any cirkus, but the GayCirkus which was to be shown at a gayfestival in Oslo.

homocirk
Proud old men

This was actually not a paid project, but it was quite fun. Its always interesting to see guys who have just gone out of the locker and who wants to shout it out. But not everybody was happy about the fireshow we had. Some thought we where irritating and created chaos. But if you ask me I think we rocked the place.

Not so long after this I had a paid job doing the same stuff. This time it was for the promotion of the new "Harry Potter" book in Oslo. I was hired to do some spectacular firebreathing and blowing for the kids. But I was strictly told not to put the kids on fire. I thought that would have been really spectacular, they thought it would be bad marketing.

qz

With the same promotion company I had my traditional "desperatly need money for christmas" job. I sold my ass out and went to the streets of Oslo to pass out commercial leaflets for a bookstore. I have had many jobs, but this is the single one where I have been deliberatley trying to avoid to meet any people whom I know.

It was actually a stupid job. We where standing outside in 20 below zero handing out propaganda to people passing by, and the least thing they wanted was to meet us. We went out in teams by three, but I always lost track of my team. I believe it was because I had the misfortune of going snowblind. After I lost my teammembers I usually went to a street closer to my home and since I was in the neighbourhood I believe it would have been wrong not to say hi to my roommates.

The company arranged competition on who could pass out most flyers. The prize was a chocolate. I had to buy my own, but at least I had money for it.

norli

After this lousy job I actually got a pretty interesting employment. I got the honour and responsibility to have courses on life, religion, sex, ethics and other interesting stuff for 14-15 years old kids who where having their confirmation. Normally people had 1 or 2 such courses at the same time. I set a new record and managed to be put up as leader for 5 courses. I doubt if the organisation which arranged this courses wanted it to be like that, but when they understood what a mistake they had done it was allready to late.

konfirmanter

As you can see these kids looks like angels on the day of their confirmation. I promise you that this is not how they behaved during courses. at least not all of them. The funniest incident happened on one course the day we where talking about sex. I had, as normal, drawn a vagina and a penis on the blackboard, explained the different functions of the bodyholes (no you should not put your penis into someones nose, that is not what its there for) when it was time for them to ask any question they wanted.

One girl had tried to make me blush during the whole class, and finally she got a reaction from me. This is what the 15 year old girl asked:

"Ole, a friend of mine and her boyfriend was home at her place. They where having really hard analsex on the couch in her parents livingroom, but then suddenly her father walks in. Her boyfriend got really surprised and pulled out really quickly, actually he pulled out so quick that her shit sprayed all over his body. Is that normal?"

I was laughing so hard that I could hardly answer. I think I said something about vacuum and fantasy vs. reality. I have heard this kind of stories before, but this was a new version from me.

Another funny incident happened on one of the ceremonies. Some of the older brothers clearly had a sense of practilcal humor as they managed to sneak in on the group pic taken of all the confirmants. Imagine when these arrives in the post and the young proud one is looking at it and sees his own brother standing behind him. I thought this was funny and didn't tell anyone. I guess I am a bad human being, but the organisation gave me a nice reference and actually wrote that they would like to have me on their team in the future. They have to be more mental than me.

I guess this was the short story of my history of weird work. I have also had other jobs, like working at the post office, learning kids how to use media to promote their own agendas, teaching media history, been clown at birthdays for 60 years old people and much more. But I believe I here have served you the weirdest ones. If anyone knows about anything I have lost out please tell me.

After being a confirmation leader I started to work at the busterminal and this is maybe the craziest job I have ever had. I also learn students about media history. But if anything weird happens any of these places you can bet I will tell you. So stay tuned at Smoking Kills (and it looks hilarious @omir.org)!




READ PART 1

READ PART 2



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Friday, March 24, 2006

Cheerleading on Funny Friday

It's friday once again! Time is going so quick and I have to study hard, because of this I will give you a short funny friday this time mostly dedicated to Emily.

This friday we will take a closer look of the weird world of cheerleading.

You see my sister Emily thinks she is hot and cool because she is a cheerleader. I have been to one of her shows. It was for the old boys team in handball in my hometown Ski. I guess the old boys loved it, I found it, let me see, fascinating. She also once had a show for some business people. I guess the 50 year old men also found it "fascinating" to see 16 years old girls in skirts jumping around. I think my mom and dad should take a closer look at their daughters´ hobbies.


viqueens
I believe Emily is somwhere in this pic

But I admit that some things with cheerleading are fascinating. Especially when they manage to exchange a basketball with a real person. That is a thing which is quite fun to watch.



But one thing which for me seems really stupid is to have dogs as cheerleaders.

dog_cheerleader

I mean that to put an animal in this position is quite on the edge. Its just like using guys to do the same job. You can not be completely straight when you choose to jump around on a field like a maniac...

cheerleaderguy

When they think of cheerleaders the old guys want to see young immature girls so that they can satisfy their pedophilian lusts whitout being put to jail. An image like this will destroy all this. It's a bit cruel to the poor old bastards.

malecheer1

Though I bet you that some of the guys which enjoys cheerleading also like these sorts of things.

Of course the job as a male cheerleader is not for anyone. Only for future presidents:

bush cheerleader

At least one nows for certain that a new Monica-Clinton crisis is not going to happend soon...

Its quite clear to me that only the best gets to enjoy this "sport". Some people even claim it to be a good action to get some girls. At least one may see the girls from certain views which normaly would end up with a bitchslap:

straight-male-cheerleader

So Emily I can see that your hobby is a great one with a respective audience who admire you only for your talent. At least it's better than golf.

I have to admit that it's not a sport for me as i don't have the dedication needed. Clearly you still have to continue cheering even when you break your neck:



But please, do not fall in love with one of your male co-cheerleaders. I believe you will be dissapointed.

Happy weekend everyone!


Last funny friday


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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Walking into war

This is so cool. They are now recruiting all 17 years old girls to the army in Norway and I think that is fantastic news. Finally the women liberation struggle have succeded in something (You know that Monica Lewinsky is publishing a new book? It's called "How to suckseed in the White House")


forsvar

You see in Norway all men are obligated to one year of brave duty for their country. During this year they have to sleep outside in 30 degrees below zero, learn how to kill their fellow citizens in the most effective way and generally loose all their self respect. Its fantastic now that girls soon will be obligated to do the same duty. It makes one proud to be a Norwegian. And the girls will of course be treated just like the boys. There will be no sexual harasment in the army!

girlarmy

The main reason why I think this is fantastic is the fact that I have still not been in the army yet. Every second year the army sends me a letter that I will become a proud member of their organisation and have the exclusive task to guard the king. I believe the main reason for them to give me this task is because they have built new guard houses outside the castle. Because of fundings they had to build them a bit small, and I am one of the few who can fit perfectly. I can't wait to get the privilege of standing still in freezing cold getting taunted by drunken kids. But of course one may do a lot of other funny stuff.





Until now I have delayed this duty because of my studies, but next year I am finished studying and ready for some action.

Of course now you think "So Ole is looking forward to join the army to check up some chicks..." But this is not the thing. These chicks will mainly be 19 years old and I guess way under my league. I mean they are of the same age as my little sister... And there you got my point!

Me and Emily will have a splendid time doing military service together. It will be so fun! I mean we can fool around and push one another in front of cannon barrels and make booty traps with shock grenades to have some sister-brother fun. I bet you our lieutenants will love to have us together on the same table.

If we are very lucky we will both be sent off to Iran, or rather I bet you we will be sent off to Iran.

iran-next

This will be a fantastic experience! As a brother and sister we can explore this fascinating culture and meet interesting people like this handsome man:

iranman

I bet you he can tell us a lot about his history and his culure, and as real brother and sister we can share the experience of listening to his stories. Before we blow his fucking head off! I will be fantastic!

I have allready found our war cry which we can yell out when we rumble through Teheran as a sibling tsunami. This will be:

"Napalm also sticks to kids!!!! Gung ho!"

Practise it now so you know how to shout it real good Emily. Cause we don't want to disapoint these lovely guys:

kidsiran

This will make our conection as siblings really thight and best of all: We can sell our story to Hollywood. "Emily and Ole, siblings of war" will be a good worktitle I think. Imagine, not only are we in for a great experience together, but we will also get filthy rich!

War is great! But to get all these advantages as siblings you have to tell the army that you want to serve with me Emily. So be quick and tell them today. This will be fun.

GUNG HO!!!

If this will be dangerous? Just relax it mom, if one is at the right side one becomes invincible. Just see:



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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Coffee for the people!

As any other normal student I am addicted to coffee. I mean to expect a person to read about theory on litterature analysis without a stimulating product which keeps one awake is like expecting someone to consume alcohol without enjoying a cigarette. In short it's inhuman.

I myself would prefer speed or some other funny artificially made stimulant, but it is quite illegal to consume such things and the fact that I would probably not be able to remember anything, at least not litterature analysis theory, after consuming such material. Because of this I keep myself to coffeine.

On the University they sell something which they call "coffee". Its a brown floating liquid which taste like it contains a slight bit of E.coli (for you who don't know, this means "shit". It's a quite popular ingredient in food in Norway.) For this stuff they charge you between 5 and 10 NOK per cup and normally it's impossible to consume the whole cup before your stomach goes to dirct action. If your stomach does not make a revolt by this coffee you could probably eat from the streets and still survive. That would be from the streets in Cuba. Its an absolute madness to serve this coffee and expect students to manage their studies.


coffee

Because of this I went out the other day and bought a coffee maker for filter coffee. This I brought with me home and placed my old one at my institute. To show me how grateful they was because of this initiative some of my costudents robbed the small plastic thing which stops the coffee from dripping if one wants a cup before it's finished. You are welcome.

Anyway as I now have brought such a miraculous machine I thought it would be wrong to also spend money on the coffee. I know that my costudents are completely broke most of the time so I don't ecpect them to help me out. But what is better than someone else buying coffee for you? To get it for free!

Because of this I sent a enquiery to some of the main importers of coffee in Norway. These where Coop, Friele, Solberg and Hansen and Max Havelar. The only one which so far has responded are Friele, but I expect that the other ones have to discuss my enquiery at the next border meeting and will reply to me soon. This is what i wrote:

Subject: A marketing proposition

Dear Friele!

My name is John Tender and I have a proposition for you.

I am an exchange student at the University of Oslo where I write my master thesis in media and communication. But we have encountered a problem.

For a long time now there has been a depressive mood amongst the students. At first we thought it was our thesis which where horribly boring, but that was not the problem. I promise you, it is not boring to play video games or watch movies and then write about playing video games or watch movies. It's quite a joyful study. But now we have finally found the source of our problem: Lack of good coffein.

You see we have a canteen at our institute, but the coffee here is horrible and they don't even pay you for drinking it. Actually we have to pay for a cup of this black stuff they serve us under the name of "coffee"! That's horrendous! But we have used our collective mental capasity and found a sollution and bought our own coffemaker for filter coffee.

Now the problem is that we spent most of our student loan on this (not all, but one have to live also) and therefore I write to you with my offer. I think this is a great idea and I hope you also would like it.

The point is that without coffee there will be no coffein and i believe that we would need a box a week to make everyone happy. Would you be interested in sending us a box of your best coffee weekly free of charge? Of course you now ask "What's in it for us?" and that is a truly well placed question.

I thought it would be great if we, if we get this coffee, decorate our reading area with posters stating "Our thesis are made on Friele coffee!", of course it would be best if you made these posters to make them look professional. Imagine how this would affect your business! We are all going to be highly successfull (exept Mr. Itter, but he is another story) and we would be good consumers of coffee until our death. Imagine then which coffee we will consume. Of course the one we enjoyed during our happy student days! And new people will come into this reading room every year so this is long time marketing for you. Of course if you keep up your coffee deliveries.

If you are into this, don't hesitate, but send off the first box today (and also the posters). Just send it to:

The Students at Institutt for Media and Communikasjon
Gaustadalléen 21
Forskningsparken II
0317 Oslo

Nice doing business with you!

Sincerely yours

John Tender


This is what Friele answered:

7_302_0

Thank you for your elegantly written inquiry for coffee.

However, we receive a lot of applications of this kind every day. We have
therefore decided to earmark our support to various social purposes in
given periods.. For the time being this concerns primarily Brazil from
where we buy most of our cofffee, but also Kenya and Guatemala.

Viewed against this background we can not meet your application for support
for this purpose.

Med vennlig hilsen/Kind regards

KAFFEHUSET FRIELE AS
Axxxx Kxxxxxx Hxxx


Now I know that Friele is really bastard down in Brazil. Their workers nearly doesn't get paid and Friele are making a hilarious amount of money which at least does not go back to the Brazilian people. Mr. Friele is also the Mayor in the town of Bergen. If you wonder there are mostly loonies living there. But I wanted to check out if Friele really would support the people of Brazil as they claim to do, so I wrote them a new enquiery:

Dear Anne.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I absolutely agree with your decision to rather suport third world countries than students in Norway. But actually we may be just the thing for you to suport. You see we do have an other exchangee, Rodrigo Fernandez, who is from Brazil. He actually comes from Ouro Preto which is a small city located in the central area of Minas Gerais. And, as I guess you are aware of, this is one of the most important coffe production areas of Brazil.

Now Rodrigo is here in Oslo and studying on his bachelor degree, but next year he will start on his master degree and he is seriously considering to continue studying here in Oslo.

Mr. Fernandez has told me that in his beautiful hometown they usualy drink Neste instant coffee! Can you believbe that? I think he is a bit of a latin liar, but he has promised me this is true "On his dads sacred grave" (His dad actually once was at a dinner with Aécio Neves, the governor of Minas Gerias, can you imagine?)

Now I see it as important that Mr. Fernandez recieves a good education, and I believe that if he gets the taste of some real coffee he will choose to stay here in Norway. So by sending us a box of coffee every week you will support a Brazilian in recieving the best education there is. If that is not suportive to the Brazilian community I will rest my case.

Mr. Fernandez will of course also have to learn to dress properly so he can sustain the Norwegian winter, but if you help us with coffee we will manage to do that job. Mr. Fernandez has also met a beautiful Norwegian girl (actually there are three, he claims this to be a cultural thing...) but if he leaves, this partnership of love will probably be broken. So by sending us coffee you will not only help the community of Minas Gerias, but also make some love in the world! What could be better?

We also got some people from Zimbabwe at our institute, but we hope to get some Kenyans over next semester and coffee delivery from you will for sure also be a great hand of helping also for them. Consider this and reply me as soon as possible!

Sincerely yours,

John Tender

ps: Is it true that Mr. Friele uses his mayor necklace every Sunday when he walks out in public in Bergen? If so could you send us a poster with a photograph of this? It would look great on the wall of our reading room.


Now if Friele was really as kind as they claim to be they would prove it by both helping a person from Brazil and make some love in the world. But their reply realy dissapointed me. Friele is clearly not as kind as they claim to be. This is their reply:

Dear John

We repeat our previous answer once again:

"Thank you for your elegantly written inquiry for coffee.

However, we receive a lot of applications of this kind every day. We have
therefore decided to earmark our support to various social purposes in
given periods.. For the time being this concerns primarily Brazil from
where we buy most of our cofffee, but also Kenya and Guatemala.

Viewed against this background we can not meet your application for support
for this purpose."

When it comes to your question regarding Mayor Herman Friele, you will have
to address yourself directly to the Mayor's office in Bergen.


Med vennlig hilsen/Kind regards

KAFFEHUSET FRIELE AS
Axxx Kxxxxxx Hxxx


cof

That is such a dissapointing answer! Of course I read this the first time, it was kind of the reason why I wrote you once again! I bet you Friele didn't have time to write a new answer as they had to run of for lunch brake where they are allowed to whip some directly imported Brazilian workers. Friele has clearly none interest in neither marketing, students nor the third world. I am sorry, but I hope some of the others will reply me positively soon as I am now running low on coffee.

I wonder, should I push it a bit further and reply to Friele once more?


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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Competition!

I got my hands on a fanstatic offer and since I am a kind person I hereby give you the chance to take on to this fantastic thing. The only thing you have to do is to answer one simple question. And remember first come first serves!


color

What I got is a free ticket for two people to a Minicruise with Color Line to Hirtshals, Denmark. You will take the boat across the ocean from Oslo to this beautiful city. If you are still standing up on arrival you can take a stroll in the city before the boat takes you back again. On board you will have access to your very own luxury cabin with two beds and no windows.

lugar

The band consisting of Morten and Marit will do their very best to entertain you. And you may also compete in the fantastic quiz cruise where you can compete amongst others to be the next Quiz King. Best thing about the whole cruise: You will be allowed to smoke inside!

monaogmorten
Mona og Morten are ready to entertain you!

If you want company from more than one friend you might buy a 3rd and a 4th ticket for only 150NOK per person. But you have to be quick as the ticket is only valid until 31st of March!

underholdning

What I want to know is: Whats the name of the new chief of the New Norwegian Terrorist Organisation, formerly known as "The Norwegian Tourist Organisation"? To give you a hint: The persons favourite outfit is a simple American flag, and she does not have sex, she only goes on hiking trips with her male friends. Neither has she ever spent taxpayers money on having such sex.

who'sthis
Name this person!

Be the first to tell me, and become the main center of attention when you invite your friends to a cultural trip to the land in the south! But remember, one have to be 23 years old, or in companion with parents or other responsible person to use the ticket. Enjoy!


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Interesting facts on my siblings

Happy sunday morning everyone. I hope you all had a great weekend and that your heads are still functional. At least functional enough to read about my Saturday.

I went to a party at my older brothers apartment again. These parties are always great fun. I think there where people there from at least 10 different nationalities, and with a great mix of interests. Of course these kinds of parties are the best ones. Unluckily I had to go early as I had to work today, but I guess some of my brothers friend will have a hard time today.


sundaymorning

I actually had a blind date at this party. I didn't knew about it and neither did the poor girl who was supposed to hook up with a drunken kid 10 years younger than her. But my brother and the woman who lives with him, Miss. M, thought it do be a great idea. Next time I promise to speak clearly and to be interesting, but you could have told me about this before you gave me that milk glass of vodka. It seems like the game "How drunk can we get the young kid?" is a favourite at these parties.

I also managed to slap one of my brothers friend on the ass. To my surprise she did not bitchslap me back. For me thats a proof on how far back the women liberation struggle has gone.

But it was an especially interesting party because some people knew things about my siblings which was completely new to me.

So Emily, I wonder if you remember Mr. J, the boyfriend of Miss. M, who lives with our brother. According to his story I doubt if you remember him, but he for sure remember you. This might recover your memory:

rusbrus

My brother claims it to be a bad idea to tell such stories to me as I tell them on. I don't understand his logic. At least I won't tell anyone if you bring me one of these Ophera mechanical babies with you from the states. If not, I am not sure if I can control my mouth.

Its really weird actually. My siblings have actually stopped telling me personal thing. Can anyone understand why?

Another interesting fact I heard made me really curious. I did not quite get the story as my "Tabloid news radar" clearly went of the hook. The storyteller, a friend of my brother, stopped telling when I started to drool. That was maybe not the best thing to do, but quite understandable as the story did contain my brothers name combined with the word "porn".

I guess it was a hell of a story, but I pushed it to hard. The fact that I was taking notes down was maybe a giveaway. Next time I will bring a hidden recorder. That would be something. Maybe my sibling will buy me one?

Anyhow the party was great fun, and I am looking forward to the next one, that would be if I'm ever invited again.


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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Prize for best name goes to!

Yesterday I had an interesting incident at work. Probably every wacko in Norway walks through the busterminal, at least once in their life. I think we got some kind of wackomagnet installed at some secret room here. Yesterday was Friday so of course the wackos was not only crazy, but also drunk. That makes an interesting combination I can tell you.

One of them was really needy and he had to take a dump. What do you think he did? If you presume he walked into the toilet like any other normal person you are completely wrong. That would probably be unormal at this place. No he rather took the dump in his pants. Why? I got no idea, and I don't want to know. Of course he was quickly followed out of the terminal, but since he probably had left his undies at home there was a trail of shit where he had gone. Getting sick? Not more than I was yesterday.


SickPumpkin

Now of course I had a huge problem, someone had to clean it up. Who do you think got the honor? You don't even have to guess. Of course it was me.

Now, I would not touch that thing. I have worked in a old peoples home and in kindergartens so I have done my load of dirty work, but one have to draw the line somewhere. But I'm smart so I found a solution where I didn't have to get my hands dirty.

I found a firehose, opened the door, turned the water on maximum and sprayed the shit outside. There was only one thing I forgot to think about. People was walking past outside...

I found it quite funny, the lady did not. I might agree it was wrong of me to laugh so hard for overspraying her with shit and water, but she was dressed in a furcoat so I believe she actually deserved it.

furcoat

Anyway, what I actually was going to tell you was this great thing I heard the other day. A friend of mine works in a kindergarden and one of the parents obviously have a great sence of humor. Probably the dad has told the mom "Oh please, I am so fond of India, we can also use your nameidea, but please let mine also get a go! Please!" The mom obviously did not notice anything wrong.

The kids name? Suna Live. While you think about this I give you a video of a kid at a spelling contest. He is clearly nervous, but seriously dedicated to the competition:


The funniest part of this vid is actually the judges comment when the poor kid faints. They don't say "Are you okay?" No, they are deadly serious and says "Stop the clock." What a great show of symphaty!

Now you might say "Suna Live is a nice name. What is wrong with that?" Well imagine when this kid grows up. Around the age of six all kids have fun with their name. One of the funniest things I remember was when I tried to say my name backwards. Imagine what a shock poor little Suna Live is in for. Her father can probably not wait for the day to arrive.

Enjoy your Saturday and please drink too much!


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Friday, March 17, 2006

Singing out loud on Funny Friday!

Friday is once again here and to celebrate we are going to sing out loud! I bet most of you have heard about the tv show "Idol" where people who can sing might win a record contract. That depends on how many forteen years old kids they manage to bluff into voting for them. The fact that they don't sing any better than what you might hear in an average semi-good karaoke place don't seem to be of interest to anyone.


idolpromo_140_176978a

Me myself think this show is horribly boring. I think all of them sings like ducks, but that might be because I am tonedeaf. In 7th grade my teacher told me, during music class when all my co students was rolling around on the floor, laughing, to maybe not sing so loud. Or better not sing at all. Since that I have been singing on the top of my voice, always.

But I do know better than to go on national television and join a singing competition. Other people, who sings even worse than me, does not see their horrible voices as any barrier to do this. And this is the only part of these kinds of TV shows that I actually enjoy. Big time.

I herby present to you: People who can't sing, but have no friends to enlighten them before they go on the telly. (Some of these are quite long, but by god they are worth it!)

First off is Mr Eye Of The Tiger. He should have stayed at home this day. At least he is now famous on the Net:



He could at least have given some good moves to this performance like this guy. He should probably also have invested in an Idol Microphone and Camcorder set to practise before he went in. I doubt if it would have improved his singing, but at least he could have got an idea of how horrible it was before broadcasting himself on international television.

100145_b
Practice your performance skills with the Digital Blue™ American Idol Digital Camcorder and Microphone.

This guy on the other hand should maybe have taken less dancing classes, and maybe stop watching "Brokeback Mountain".



I really have a hard problem understanding why some people think they have to do this on telly, but I am enjoying it so please make my day Mr. Stillings! Want an Idol bear by the way?

idol_bamse_adv

Miss Sabrina, the teenage witch, claims to have a voice which make guys hitting on her. I would rather hit her if I could choose. Judge for yourselves:



One person which I would not like to meet in a dark alley while he is singing is this guy. He is just soooo hardcore!



You got low self respect? Why not buy a pink Idol cap and wear it in public?

idol_capspinkrose_prod

One guy who actually made it huge by singing like a hoarse elephant is Mr. Hung here. Search for his name in google and you will se he has now become a star. But I doubt it if he really know its because his singing is crap.



But to wrap it all up I want to give you my favourite of them all. The one and only Karaoke King with Barbie Girl!



Why did he tell that he worked in a chicken factory? It makes it quite clear where he got his inspiration from.

Want to torture your babies? Why not buy them some Idol accessories?

100137_b

I hope you all will have a marvellous weekend and sing a lot while you are out there. But there is no need to take it out on national telly... But if you have to I have just one thing to say: Remember the text, especially if the song is quite well known, and break a leg!





Last funny friday


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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Clearing landmines for nuts, bananas and 30000 dollar in parking fee, part 3

READ PART 1 HERE
READ PART 2 HERE

A visit in the field
"Fucking dog!" The outburst could be heard all over the field. But for Kassim and the others it was not extraordinary. It was just one of the usual commands given by the dog handlers to congratulate the dog with a job well done.


doghandler

For the rats there were no other reward than the giving of food, but there was neither the danger of the rat dragging you into the minefield. They had to concentrate on the rat which was moving in the field. This was the second rat they had on the same block, afterward they would put on a new rat on the same field. Three rats on each block, each rats used approximately ½ hour to search the field, 1 ½ hour on each field. Of course it could be done faster, but when working with landmines it was no need to hurry. The rats Kassim and his crew were working with were all licensed on the same conditions as the dogs. But one accident would mean the end of this recent development project.

resting

Cerveja was standing 100 meter from Kassim and his team. He didn’t wear his PPE since he was out of the minefield. But he was dressed up in the peculiar blue overall and with a torn matching blue cap on his head to give some protection from the sun. On his lower back, strapped to his belt, hung his walkie-talkie. With this he could always be in contact with the workers in the field. He was looking down at his planning board. Altogether they were 25 persons in his 5th platoon, but today four were absent because of sickness. Together with him was one second in command, one paramedic in case of accidents and 22 manual mine clearers. The paramedic was sitting in the shadow of a tree in his red uniform, relaxing together with the workers who had their ½ hour break.

Luckily they had so far had none accidents in this field during survey or clearance, but you had five accidents in the field before they had begun the de-mining, two of which involved humans, three which involved goats. But in Mozambique the value of a goat is not to be laughed upon. Cerveja regards security as one of the most important aspects of working in the minefield. None who went out in the field would be allowed to move around without protective gear. This gear would not save you if you got hit directly but it would help you from the blast affected by a detonation. And in case of emergency he had smoke bombs 20 meters away to signal for incoming choppers.

cerveja

Together with the smoke grenades he has also stored the explosives used for destructing the mines. Tomorrow they would get visit from an Austrian film crew and to their honor they would blow up two mines which where discovered a while ago. The crew had also asked to interview a person who had stepped on a mine. But luckily, though unluckily for the film crew, there was no one in the area at the moment that had had his leg blown off. The explosion of the mines would hopefully satisfy their needs. Even though they had found the landmines a long time ago they had to leave them in the ground until the whole area around was surveyed. If not the explosive particles spread out by the explosion would affect both the dogs and the rats which would smell explosives everywhere. So for now the mines was left in the ground, but marked off so no one would step on them. The worst nightmare for Cerveja was if some kid or adventurous backpacker would come to the field and curiously explore this fascinating metal half above and half under the ground.

meinfield

The dog trainer stood beside him, he is originally from Zimbabwe, but had come to Mozambique to supervise the dog handlers and the dogs. Altogether they had three dogs working in this field today. The dogs had all arrived at this unit after 11/2 years of training but at arrival they still ½ year training left and also they had to get to know their handler before they had been deployed in an actual field. Last year two dogs had died of diseases; it was not the best place to work. They were surrounded by flies and mosquitoes and a lot of vegetation which had to be worked around and inside. When the sun came up and the temperature rose to around 30 Celsius, the job could be killing for both man and animals.

Cerveja was in charge of one of the nine squads working for ADP. In the area around Vilanculos there were two squads working. The other squads were spread all over Mozambique. Everybody who worked with him had been trough the training to become a deminer, and they were all aware of the danger which naturally came with the job. The area they worked on was an old camp used by Russians during the war. Cerveja could see the old intoxicated carcass of the military vehicles left there by the Russians. When they had set up the camp they had placed landmines around it to protect it from incoming enemies, in some areas up to ten mines spread on 5 square meters, but in opposition to the cars they had left no clues to where they had placed the landmines.

manualmineclearer

They had starting to clear this field in November 2004. They where given until July 2005 to finish the job, and the work was going well. 86% was already cleared after four months. But this was a field of only 45 000 square meters. All over in Mozambique there were still approximately 534.3 square kilometers left to clear according to international landmine monitoring, and Cerveja knew it would take more than the time given by the treaty to clear all the mines left in Mozambique.

The supreme instrument of terror
"As an instrument for war the landmine is supreme" says Cerveja, "One landmine may stop a whole regiment and the cost of producing and placing one may be less than a dollar" The number of different mines found in Mozambique shows this quite clearly. Some mines like the Anti Personnel mines are meant for killing or seriously injury people. Landmines most commonly found is the blast mines PMN and PMN 2. The name "blast mine" means that these mines are meant to give off an explosive blast when stepped upon, thereby they will, according to Bart Weetjens, cut off your ankle, if stepped upon with your toe, or your whole leg if you are unlucky enough to step on it with your heel.

mine
Try spot the landmine

Another more sophisticated mine found in the fields around Vilanculos is the OZM-4 anti personnel mines. These mines not only explode when they are stepped upon, but an initial charge lifts the mine up to waist height before a new explosion shoots out metal fragments in 360 degrees. If you are lucky you will stay 100 meters away upon detonation an only get severe injuries. If you are 35 meters from it there would be small chances to survive. If you step on one, your family will save the burial expenses.

Another type of mine is the anti-tank mine used to disable vehicles, they need a greater amount of pressure to detonate than the anti-personnel mines, but often de-mining personnel have found anti-tank mines placed below anti-personnel mines. In such cases they work as booby traps for de-miners as the anti-tank mine is devised to explode when the anti-personnel mine is removed. Luckily no such mines have so far been found in the fields in Vilanculos. But the de-miners never know what to expect when they start digging in the ground when they get an indication of a mine.

infield2

Bart Weetjens is a convinced pacifist, but he sees the ability of using landmines both to stop the enemy and to give a halt to the society during a war. "The landmine is used as a supreme device of terror" he says. The mines in Mozambique were used, like in many other places, to spread terror amongst civilians. In one case a whole village had fled when a mine was triggered. After searching and clearing the area there had altogether been found four mines, one on the main road, one outside the school, one outside the church and one on the crop field. These four mines had taken one year to clear and caused 29 000 people to leave their homes. The civil war in Mozambique ended for good in 1993, but the landmines in the ground don’t seem to care, they will continue to be a threat for several decades to come if they are not spotted and demolished.

"There is a lot of work which have to be done if Mozambique should be mine free within the 2009 as stated in the landmine treaty, and without economical donations and expertise from abroad, Mozambique will never manage this deadline, and as a country it will struggle to finish the work that has begun." Cerveja is mainly a man in the field. The political lobbyism is not of his concern, but he knows that also his work will go down if the donors stop their flow of money. Together with him in the fields of Vilanculos there are mainly Mozambiquians working, they have learned to handle their job, but their government cannot afford to pay for it. The deployment of landmines may be cheap, but to remove them are both time consuming and expensive.

30000 in parking fee
For Sara Sekkenes, in her small office in Maputo, the job is to work on this political lobbying before the NPA and other organizations pull out, so the de-mining work in Mozambique may be continued also after the international organizations leave. But she also understands the donors’ unwillingness to give money meant for de-mining directly to the Mozambiquian government. The ability for money to disappear in this country would impress the most experienced magician. And the history of the Mozambiquian government’s economical contribution to the landmine clearing work is far from impressive. One of their main contributions has been to give tax exemption on all equipment used in landmine clearing imported to Mozambique. When taking into consideration that the import tax in Mozambique is 24% this is not at all bad. But when NPA tried to make use of this in importing mechanical mine clearance equipment from South Africa, the paperwork went so slow that NPA had to pay parking fee on the border to Mozambique. A fee of 30 000 dollars, which was more than what they would have paid in import tax. As a final push to the story the government in Mozambique asked the international contributors to pay the money which they didn’t get in import tax. This money could just as well have gone directly to the NPA in the first instance.

minebil

As such the situation is not easy to solve. Mozambique still needs the money and the training given by the international contributors and organizations, but they do no longer need the all year presence of these organizations. For Sara it was clear that she had to use the forthcoming year well to find a solution to the problem. If not the process already made in Mozambique may come to a halt and the country will struggle unnecessarily hard to develop.

A neverending hazardous job
How much the mine problem in Mozambique so far have cost the shattered society is impossible to estimate. Villages have been left desolated, crop fields have been wasted and development has been difficult. Ten years after the peace treaty was signed, Mozambique, with help from the international society, has finally managed to take control of the problem. Ironically this means that they are no longer a priority country, and as such of little interest to international politicians. But Kassim, George and Ceveja, and many with them, has still many years of work left. And on a global level their expertise will always be needed. “All over the world there are planted enough landmines to keep them busy for 500 years. And every year soldiers around the world plant out new landmines, adding 18 years more to these 500,” explaines Bart Weetjens

ratsfinished

Two weeks ago the nightmare for Cerveja and his collegues took place. Luckily for Cerveja it happened in another platoon working in the fields around Chimoio. I only heard about the incident recently. A thirty year old man, working with demining in the field, got careless, with horrible consecuences. He entered the field without the PPE and he had not marked of the earlier searched area properly. After a break from the work he went back, the mine was impossible to see. The detonation surprised everyone and the young man was lying on the ground shocked from the blast and the pain. Luckily he had touched the mine with his toes first, his right foot up to the ancle was torn off, and the fragments from the mine had mutilated the right side of his face and his right hand. Fragments could also be found in his chest. But he survived, his vision was not destroyed and he kept most of his leg intact. He was extremly lucky, even though he will never get his foot back again. This accident was a reminder for everybody else, a reminder of the hazards that come with the job.

nature5

READ PART 1

READ PART 2



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