Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Health benefits on smoking

Hi all!

For a while now I have tried to do my best to serve you some public service on a real serious subject. Now a days there is a lot of propaganda going down on the health problems conserning smoking. It's highly popular to proclaim out loud that smoking is dangerous. They have even managed to make it illegal to smoke inside pubs. I call this a totalitarian law. How can one expect someone to enjoy a glass of good alcohol without a cigarette in ones hand.


This law is of course to prevent people from putting seriously harmful things into ones body, but I believe that automobiles, fast food, light food and smokings (the thing one puts on when one wants to look like a dick) is much more harmful. But the thing is that dangerous things like these and others are much harder to propagandize against than cigarettes. For example is it much easier for WHO to focus on cigarettes and tobacco than on AIDS. AIDS would be a worthy thing to fight against, but of course if one tells people to wear a condom when enjoying themselves the medical companies would loose money, and that is not the interest of WHO.

In the world today they want to make "the perfect society" where everyone looks healty and good. But imagine if this kind of thought goes on. Soon fat people are not allowed to walk around in public and kids are not allowed to climb in trees cause imagine how it would look if they break an arm! Clearly the propaganda against tobacco is just a beginning to reform the whole society into perfect machines where everybody obliges to the rules made by the few. They are even now talking about making fat people pay more for their health service.


In the good old days smoking was for the cultural elite. I want to get the society back to these good old days. To make this happen I need to make a pro-smoking propaganda campaign. But I need to know what is the healthy benefits of smoking. Because of this I sent a request to several companies and organisations. Amongst these where The Norwegian Cancer Organisation, The Norwegian Doctors Association, Friends of the Cigarette and Phillip Morris. The only one to reply was Phillip Morris.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Mr. Morris

A friend of mine and myselves wants to start a campaign in Norway to promote the benefits of smøking so we finally can open some exclusive smøkers clubs in this country. These clubs will of course only give admittance to smøkers with at least 4 years of higher education and will be named "The Smøking University".

We are both studiyng here in Norway and at first we though of giving up our studies and return to England, but now they are planning to get this so-called "Smøking Law" to the Great Island also (we call it "the good old Krauter-fashioned law"), so then we will rather stay here as the girls on the Island have a rather bad apperance. At least compared to the tallrised female vikings here in the North.

These "vicingas", as we like to call them, are pretty well trained in the bed and know how to enjoy an aftercopulation cigarette and thats a thing the lesser race on the Island have never learnt to understand. One may maybe say that on the land of hot beer the afterintimation sigarette actually is more satisfying than the actual fysical workout. But I'm sorry, now I am boring you with problems from my Vatherland and that is not the reason for why I am writing you.

Me and my friend are planning to start a smøkers revolution, in secret we call it "The fight for Lord Nicotine". We have allready started a secret society, I tell you this as I know you wont spread the word to the government here in Norway. In this society we read loudly from the "Book of praise" which Lord Nicotine gave us on a stormful evening filled with alcoholic consumption.

In this there is gathered all availiable tobacco brands which exist on the Norwegian market and their gehalt of nicotine and tar. Its throughly satisfying to read it, and if I where in Lord Nelsons land I would rather read that than get close to one of the girls over there, and of course enjoy a good sigarett afterwards.

Anyhow, me and my friend now want to spread the word to gather people in our "Smøkers University". To spread the word we are planning to use "Winnertip" machines and Rizla red to produce small pamphlets to spread the word (do you know if this will be possible?).

Anyway, we have an argument going on what to write on the paper. Actually we want to know which products in a sigarette which is most healthy. We have both tried to chew the filter and that was not nice. My friend claims that because tobacco is a plant it is close to fruit and therefore in itselves healthy. He wants our campaign to be called "5 a day". I presume he may be wrong. I actually believe it is the glue in the paper which may be the best for the body. And since this glue is made of horsebone I want our campaign to be called "A horse a day".

Now our question is if we are both wrong? What is the most healthy product in a good cigarette? We would appreciate your answer. Clearly the tobacco producers in Norway have been scared into hiding cause I can't find any contact details on them, so you are my only sollution! Your answer will be mostly apreciated!

Death to the cigarette-haters and god save Lord Nicotine!

Sincerly yours

Sir John Tender

Did Phillip Morris answer as I was hoping for? Not exactly:


Please contact Philip Morris International for information about products produced for sale outside the United States (including the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico) or about other non-US matters. If you have internet access, simply click on the PMI link
pmintl/pages/eng/utilities/contact_us.asp for further information.

Consumer Response Center
Philip Morris USA

Actually I did contact their International office also, but they wouldn't answer me, and since this was a general enquiery on tobacco I tried their office in the USofA once more:

Dear Phillip Morris

Thank you for your reply, but it was not exactly what I was hoping for. My question was not concerning European tobacco nor any other non-US tobacco. It was more like a question concerning tobacco universaly, even if we are talking about tobacco on the moon. (You who have been there, is it possible to grow tobacco on the moon?)

So let me refrase my question into a simple one:

What is the most physically healthy benefit from a cigarette?

This is important in our campaign to enlightend the world and make a stop to the allconsuming negative propaganda concerning tobacco which we see in the world nowadays. You have to understand that we are working as a team here and to make it possible for us to promote your product we need some information.

Thank you.

Hail to Lord Nocotine!


John Tender

I actually got a bit frightened by their answer to this one:


Thank you for contacting Philip Morris USA.

We appreciate your interest in obtaining information from Philip Morris USA. While we regularly respond to inquiries relating to our policies and positions on a variety of issues, we are unable to accommodate your request for this type of information.Â

Again, thank you for your interest in Philip Morris USA.

Consumer Response Center

Philip Morris USA


From the weird symbols they had in their reply I believe they actually got angry, and since I know the Americans believe in a good traditional pre-emptive strike I think they where on the edge to sue my ass. Because of this I did not reply to this mail. I mean who knows what kind of policies they have on a variety of issues. To lock people up in their basement?

Well clearly Mr. Morries does not want to help me out on my mission. Probably they have been brainwashed, or maybe gained to much money and gone crazy. But the revolution will come, with or withouth help from multinational companies!

Hail Lord Nicotine!!!


At 3/29/2006 10:40:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wine tastes better without smoking. Tulling 

Posted by Anonymous

At 7/23/2006 10:01:00 AM , Anonymous Smoke said...

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!

At 10/18/2013 11:45:00 PM , Blogger Rich H said...

"We appreciate your interest..."
Freddy Headey
Macclesfield UK
btw somehow I found your page when I was googling
fat smokers who lived till they were old
-at the moment the only pics I can find are
fat smokers who are young or
old fat people who aren't smoking


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