Wednesday, February 14, 2007

From John Tender to you, with love

Happy Valentines everyone! Actually I couldn't care less about this day where young American kids are traumatized for life since they don't receive a Valentines card at school. Celebrating love my ass. I have found the rescue for all this kids, as they will all grow up to sexually troublesome maniacs.

The rescue for them is of course the "pussy on a box", Vulva Original. This has nothing to do with the SNL thing with dick on a box, but since it is such a hype I can share that one also with you all here:

I don't really se the hype in this one, have to be some sort of American thing, just like Valentines.

Anyhow, I thought of it as my responsibility to check out the Vulva Original and to try to get a free sample of the product. And who would be better for the job than John Tender, so I put him on the case and sent this mail to Vulva Original:

Dear sir/madam.

I have smelled my way through the web to your most interesting product Vulva Original. I have to say I was very amused by this at the beginning. Especially I enjoyed your most informative video which I saw several times. But I was left with some questions concerning your product.

As I understood it Vulva Original is meant as a aphrodisiacum for men who can't manage to get aroused on their own and need a bit of help. Now I am not one of them, but I was curious if your product also could be used as a perfume, and to what effect?

What will happen if I put a tint of Vulva Original on my neck before leaving to have a joll on the town? Will I have a trail of horny men coming after me, or do you believe it will also arouse women? And as we all now natural vagina smell is maybe not always the best after a night out, will the same happen with Vulva Original? Will it smell "fishy"?

If you have not done a test on this I would be most happy to help you out if you send me a free test of your product. I am currently living in Norway and nightlife here is really good so I believe it would make a great scenario to test out your product. I will present such a test in the student fanzine Samfunnsfilosofisk Tidsskrift, which would be good promotion for your product amongst Norwegian student.

One last concern: Will it be dangerous to have Vulva Original on my body for several hours?

Sincerely yours,

John Tender

I thought this was a great offer which they could not turn down, but clearly the "pussy on a box" people gives nothing out for free as this was their reply:

Dear Mr Tender,

thank you very much for your mail and interest in our product.

Before we launched very successfully VULVA Original 1 1/2 years ago we had tested it extensively.
So, thank you for your offer but all the work has been done.

If you like to make the experience of VULVA´s wonderful effect we would be delighted to receive your order.

And referring to your concern: you can leave it on your body as long as you like. It´s not dangerous at all.

Kindest regards,

team vivaeros

Otto-Hahn-Straße 7
50997 Köln · Germany
Fon +49 (0) 163-84 40 082
Fax +49 (0) 22 36 - 890 55-1

Clearly they are not interested in my service. But I do not quite believe that they have done all the work. And to testify this I sent them one last mail:

Dear Team Viaeros.

Thank you so much for your reply. As a student in media and communication I am really interested in your research. Have you really tested out the effect of the Vulva Original "down town"? Did it have an effect on other people? And if so, how did this effect show up?

If it's possible I would love to get an insight into your research material on this test. If you have video material or photographic evidence it would be even better.

I am still curious on how the smell of Vulva Original is after an extensive period. As you state it is supposed to be most natural. As we all now the "natural" smell of a vagina is not always the best. At least the one of us who has performed cunnilingus on a festival hook-up. Would the same thing happen with Vulva Original, or would Vulva Original always smell fresh like a newly plucked flower?

Unfortunately my libido is most alive so I don't need Vulva Original myself. If you don't believe me I can send you a picture proof. But I am sure that you are of good help to many lonesome men out there.

Looking forward to your reply,

John Tender

They never replied on this mail so clearly they have not researched on the effect of Vulva Original used as a perfume. But neither do they believe that Mr. Tender is well suited to do such a research. I can't understand why.....

I'm sorry not to have managed to get a free sample for you all. But I recommend you to drop the Valentines gift for your beloved one, and rather contribute the money to me so I can go further with this research. You will get much more satisfaction by that I promise you.

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