Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Jaffa and public service update!

As you remember Mr. Itter wanted to know why he can't find any Jaffa oranges on the Norwegian market. I tried to find out but I only got a reply from the shop where they are suposed to sell Jaffa oranges. And I told you that the importers, Bama, is not interested in public service. I was wrong and here is their reply:


First of all to remind you here is what i wrote to them:

Hi Bama, I have a question.

A friend of mine, Lektor N. Itter, was terrible dissapointed the other day. He is studying hard on his master thesis in media and communication at the University of Oslo. He is Norwegian, but because of his state of agony he could not get himselves to contact you.

Anyhow he is in desperate need of oranges in these dark times. He claimes it is not possible for him to study or write unless he has his daily chock of c-vitamins. If you wonder if he is a bit weird you are completly correct in assuming so, but we do like him very much, it's actually quite tormenting to see him in this state. The thing is that he went to buy 1 kilo of good fruitful Jaffa-oranges, he claims them to be the best, but he says it was impossible for him to find this amount of Jaffa in any shop.

He blames this to be the fault of the west-wing extremists and their boycot of products from Israel (I suppose he is talking about "left-wing", but he has never been the smartest one when it comes to politics...) He is now threatening to release a fathwa upon all people who don't "...enjoy a, or a kilo of, good Jaffa orange(s) a day!" (in his presise words). You can personaly relax it. His kind of fathwa is more a danger to himselves and quite unharmful for anyone else, but I would rather not have him releasing one as I have seen his kind of fathwa before (last time he painted himself all blue and ran around naked in the hall where you got all the professors´ offices, not a nice sight and he was close to being thrown out of the University for that one).

Mr. Itter during his fathwa.

So my question now, is if it is true that you have stopped importing Jaffa-oranges? If not, what is the reason for him not being able to buy a kilo of them? I know he got the money, and I have told him where the shop is (once he went to a bookstore to buy milk, but I think he got the idea now), so then what may be the reason?

I would really apreciate your reply as we all want him to get through his study so he finally can get his degree. He want to open a stamp museum when he finishes, so you will not do any harm upon the human race by replying.

Be kindly and reply by mail as the people I live with are rather bad in handing me my mail...

Sincerly yours

John Tender

Their first reply was rather dissapointing. And also in Norwegian. What kind of public service is that? How am I, when I write in english, supposed to understand Norwegian? Here is the actual answer:


Jeg skriver på norsk og håper det er greit.

Jeg regner med at din venn har fått svar fra oss på dette spørsmålet. Jeg har hatt vinterferie og har derfor ikke lest noen "post" før nå.

Dersom dere ikke har fått svar vennligst gi meg beskjed.

PS! Jaffa blir å finne i butikkene i mars.

Vennlig hilsen Svanhild

Translated to english she writes:


I write in norwegian I hope this is ok.

I suppose your friend has recieved an answer from us on this question. I have been
on vacation and because of this I have read no "mail" until now.

If you have not recieved an answer please give me a note.
Ps: You can find Jaffa in the shops in March

Regards Svanhild

How can I have recieved an answer if she has been away? It says at that she is the oracle conserning fruit, and I don't want a second hand answer on this reply anyway. But still I want an answer in English so here is my reply:

Dear Svanhild.

Could you please repeat the last mail in proper English (I also know Russian if that is any help) as I don't understand Norwegian (I have only been in your country for 1 month, but I promise to learn quick).

Sincerly yours

John Tender

I bet now that she would just drop the whole public service she has started, but no she does reply once more. And this time in Engrish:

Dear John

My English is not good, but I will tray.

I hope your friend has got the answer. I have not answered because og my holiday. If he has'nt got an aswer please give me a message.

PS! You can bay Jaffa oranges from ca 15 mars.

Med vennlig hilsen Svanhild

That is what I call a proper Dear John letter! But I still haven't recieved an answer on my question so, of course, for the benefits of public service, I reply:

Dear Svanhild.

I hope you had an exelent holyday. Where did you go? I hope you went far away to a place where the sun shines every day because, I have to admit, the weather here in Norway is truly bad right now. I nearly got lost the other day as I could not see because of the snow storm.

I'm sorry to say I have not recieved any reply from any of your colleagues (I don't think they have done a proper job while you were gone, but now when you are back so feel free to give them a proper spanking!).

I'm delighted to hear that the Jaffa oranges will be back in March. Mr. Itter is realy happy also so he is planning to wait outside the shop to see the trailers arrive. I think this is a really bad idea since March is a pretty long month, so could you please give a more exact date and time for the arrival of the Jaffa oranges? Then Mr. Itter don't have to sleep outside at night, but focuse on his thesis. Until then I will give him a bottle of "Sannasoll" everyday so he stays happy.

Have there been some kind of temporal boycot of Jaffa oranges since one can not get them in the shop before March? Mr. Itter is realy curious on that question.


John Tender

Tosen tak!

The last two words is meant to be bad translation of the Norwegian "Thank you" just to give her some comfort on her Engrish. And does she reply? Oh yes:

Hallo again

No, we have no boycot. You can find clementin and grapefruit from Israel in "our" shops now. Why we have't orages is because we ar waiting for the best Shamouti from Israel. We do not now the date, you now the weather and transport.

Med vennlig hilsen Svanhild

As you see, her English has suddenly improved. A bit at least. So either she was bullshitting me, and also Mr. Itter, in the second mail, or she got some help in the last one. Or maybe she found a dictionary. But we got an answer! So Mr. Itter, your favourite Shamouti filled with real Palestinian blood will soon to be found in a shop close to you!



At 3/01/2006 05:45:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are ten millions orange brands out there, but only one brand can satisfy my lust, my temper and my sex-appeal. Ole Omir, the lady with the Norwegian name: Swanhill, could you give me some more information about here?
She seems so nice, warm and tender. Im thinking of asking her if she would go to the grocery shop with me. It would be a kind of date you know! hand in hand Swanhill and me could pick up this years very first Jaffa oranges!

Ole, satisfy me! Who is this woman?

At 3/03/2006 07:33:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Itter! I got good news for you. I sent Svanhild this mail:

"Hi Svanhild!

That was a most fruitful answer. Actually so fruitful that Mr. Itter claims, and I quote:

"She seems so nice, warm and tender. Im thinking of asking her if she would go to the grocery shop with me. It would be a kind of date you know! hand in hand Swanhill and me could pick up this years very first Jaffa oranges!"

Now I can promise you that Mr. Itter is a most loveable man and he would truly make you happy for life, but of course I cannot give him your mailadress without your agreement. So therefore I ask you:

Do you want me to give Mr. Itter your mailadress?

I know he wants to take you on a tour at the "Sporweismuseum" at Majurstoa after buying Jaffa oranges, and it will be really enjoyable because he knows a lot about old trams. But I don't know if you will enjoy it or even wants to meet him. So therefore please tell me if you want me to give him your contact details (I have not told him that he can find this at because I wanted to check with you first).

If you don't want to please reply because as we say in Wales: "The one who says nothing says yes."


John Tender"

And Svanhild has yet not replied to this mail, so here you go, the fantastic and marvelous email adress to Svanhild:

svanhild.hemsand AT bama DOT no 

Posted by Ole


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